Time. A few remarks.
I'm feeling younger. I'm interested in what makes me feel younger or older.
Obviously some piece of this is because I'm entering a new phase of my life: Crisis Line, Nefarious, the Prometheus experience. Things are new, and that makes me feel younger.
But more. I'm feeling more irresponsible. Don't take that at the face-value "bad thing" level. I mean recognizing that I'm not responsible for everything, and then for the things that I -am- responsible for, being willing to flout "the right thing to do" in favor of what I -want- to do, at least more often. It's not that I'm ditching or letting people down -- but that mental burden that's with you all the time, I'm willing and able to take the yoke off sometimes, and actually forget.
And still more. I'm not paying much attention to what day it is, or what numerical week we're in. I'm more in the thick of the moment, savoring it. Contrast this with the 100-year perspective I take sometimes, picturing my place in history, trying to do my part to steer society. Even at 25, when I would think about trying to use my life to make a difference, it would make me feel like an elder of The Movement.
And I'm less lonely. Is loneliness an inherently old-feeling emotion?
Switch tracks. From how I feel my age, to how I understand what it means to use time.
I recognized a few years ago that I subscribe to the "time is money" metaphor to an astonishing extent. I think of my time as a resource that I can exchange for goods and services. I think of it as something to be budgeted and spent wisely. I think of it as something that should be invested into the things that I value, so those things can grow -- not frittered away on baubles.
The time-management establishment would laud me. Yet, there's a way in which this perspective objectifies my life. Life isn't about the experiencing of life -- it's about what you can buy. It's strange. I like to think of myself as someone who's avoided a lot of the pitfalls of judging himself by his material possessions -- despite my collecting habits. Yet, I've somehow turned accomplishment into another form of possession. I've have the distinct feeling of selling my self away, parcel by parcel, one hour at a time.
My record keeping is much like keeping ledgers, documenting my expenditures... But here's where things get interesting. My record keeping has largely broken down. I'm past the point of going back and fixing it right now; I should simply start again at the present if it's what I want to do. But look! In its place I seem to be returning to my earlier habits of journaling. How long it take, be damned! What is most important is that I follow my train of thought, set it to paper (or pixels) before it is lost. Is this perhaps the opposing alternative to treating time as money: to treat time as stories?
"Stories" are ascending in importance in my worldview framework of metaphors. I once heard at a NOMAS conference a storyteller say "the universe is not made out of atoms; it's made out of stories". This has been on my mind again after hearing Leopoldo's partner Sara talk about her thesis work on the use of first-person narratives in social change work (e.g. re coming out, domestic violence, abortion). Stories are what makes this work meaningful. Without them, politics becomes a bitter and empty conflict between our side and the opponent. Screw this work, if the stories aren't at the top of minds! We need to feel, and we need to put people's actual lives first.
One of my all-time favorite quotes: "When we feel, we will feel the emergency: when we feel the emergency, we will act: when we act, we will change the world." julian beck, the life of the theatre (sct. 15).
I'm feeling younger. I'm interested in what makes me feel younger or older.
Obviously some piece of this is because I'm entering a new phase of my life: Crisis Line, Nefarious, the Prometheus experience. Things are new, and that makes me feel younger.
But more. I'm feeling more irresponsible. Don't take that at the face-value "bad thing" level. I mean recognizing that I'm not responsible for everything, and then for the things that I -am- responsible for, being willing to flout "the right thing to do" in favor of what I -want- to do, at least more often. It's not that I'm ditching or letting people down -- but that mental burden that's with you all the time, I'm willing and able to take the yoke off sometimes, and actually forget.
And still more. I'm not paying much attention to what day it is, or what numerical week we're in. I'm more in the thick of the moment, savoring it. Contrast this with the 100-year perspective I take sometimes, picturing my place in history, trying to do my part to steer society. Even at 25, when I would think about trying to use my life to make a difference, it would make me feel like an elder of The Movement.
And I'm less lonely. Is loneliness an inherently old-feeling emotion?
Switch tracks. From how I feel my age, to how I understand what it means to use time.
I recognized a few years ago that I subscribe to the "time is money" metaphor to an astonishing extent. I think of my time as a resource that I can exchange for goods and services. I think of it as something to be budgeted and spent wisely. I think of it as something that should be invested into the things that I value, so those things can grow -- not frittered away on baubles.
The time-management establishment would laud me. Yet, there's a way in which this perspective objectifies my life. Life isn't about the experiencing of life -- it's about what you can buy. It's strange. I like to think of myself as someone who's avoided a lot of the pitfalls of judging himself by his material possessions -- despite my collecting habits. Yet, I've somehow turned accomplishment into another form of possession. I've have the distinct feeling of selling my self away, parcel by parcel, one hour at a time.
My record keeping is much like keeping ledgers, documenting my expenditures... But here's where things get interesting. My record keeping has largely broken down. I'm past the point of going back and fixing it right now; I should simply start again at the present if it's what I want to do. But look! In its place I seem to be returning to my earlier habits of journaling. How long it take, be damned! What is most important is that I follow my train of thought, set it to paper (or pixels) before it is lost. Is this perhaps the opposing alternative to treating time as money: to treat time as stories?
"Stories" are ascending in importance in my worldview framework of metaphors. I once heard at a NOMAS conference a storyteller say "the universe is not made out of atoms; it's made out of stories". This has been on my mind again after hearing Leopoldo's partner Sara talk about her thesis work on the use of first-person narratives in social change work (e.g. re coming out, domestic violence, abortion). Stories are what makes this work meaningful. Without them, politics becomes a bitter and empty conflict between our side and the opponent. Screw this work, if the stories aren't at the top of minds! We need to feel, and we need to put people's actual lives first.
One of my all-time favorite quotes: "When we feel, we will feel the emergency: when we feel the emergency, we will act: when we act, we will change the world." julian beck, the life of the theatre (sct. 15).
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