Dream Journal: Stress dreams, baby...
Dreamt I was taking the SAT, and the answers had to be written down on crepes -- but I ate mine (yum!) and the test overseer couldn't find me another, even though the clock was ticking...
Dreamt I was in the dirt parking lot of a cajun restaurant with my brother and father; I had to hold the zip-lock bag while dad puts rattlesnakes into it. And these snakes, they're all muscle, pushing themselves up and out of the bag towards my hands. Good thing I'm wearing work gloves -- but even so...
I know where the snake dream came from. Just before going to sleep, it occured to me that the Crisis Line situation feels like walking into a pit of cobras. Not that the other board members or staff are like snakes -- just that sense of coiled danger, treading carefully for fear of being bit. Was also feeling stressed yesterday after a big conversation about maybe trying to make amends in a relationship I screwed up a while back.
Actually, I was feeling really messed up last night. Very irritable, mind boiling with chaos. Sure, there's some stressful things going on -- but I have to wonder if it didn't also partly have to do with all the OJ I drank yesterday. Made a lovely scrambled eggs & tasty bits breakfast for J yesterday -- haven't made her a breakfast since god knows when. And I had maybe three, maybe more, glasses of OJ.
Now, over the past few years I've been noticing that I'm waaay more sensitive to foods than I used to be. Two glasses of orange juice will reliably make me crash. Two Pizza Hut sized glasses of pepsi can make me have a nosebleed (!). But every so often, I give in to temptation; cuz, dammit, how can you have pizza without soda? And how can you eat cheezy yum eggs without OJ?
So, sure enough, I crashed from about 4 to 7 yesterday, napping in the big red comfy chair downstairs. By the time I got up, it didn't feel worth trying to accomplish anything (I hate asking myself to do work after 6, anyway). So I watched a few Angel season 2 episodes. Damn, if Joss Whedon doesn't know how to deliver a plot twist! Druscilla walks back in at the last moment to turn Darla... Doh! The lawyers all get eaten... Guh?! Angel fires his whole staff... Oh My God!!
Also watched "A Mighty Wind" over at J's, which I had been wanting to see, to keep her company while she worked. I guess I'd agree that it's not as good as the other Guest movies, but it has its moments. All the characters are fun watch... It was while watching the movie that I think I really started feeling wrong. I tend to be something of a "Shh! I wanna be absorbed in the movie!" kind of person, but I could feel that my irritations at interuptions were bigger than my actual investment. Perhaps a kind of sugar crash, setting in later in the night, even after I'd been put to sleep hours beforehand? At least I don't think J felt I bit her hand too hard (metaphorically); seemed happier for me having kept company.
So, going to sleep, I was in a black mood. Or, having fun with political correctness, perhaps "white mood" would be a more historically accurate descriptor... ;-) Whatever. I just mean, I was feeling like the Crisis Line is going to be a really bad show. This "making amends" idea will go down badly. In a month Nefarious will disappear when she finds work. The new momentum with J won't last. See, defeatist thoughts, that even in the thick I could recognize must be being influenced by some kind of chemical imbalance. It's interesting, even so, to take note of what issues my brain revolves around when I go down.
Re the Crisis Line, an email came through my in-box yesterday defining what tasks the ED has set for the Development Director. Sheri and Aimee were my co-conspirators in reinventing the Fundraising Committee. Now it's horribly apparent that both are already stretched to their breaking points, leaving me alone to make any changes. I worry that it's not possible to make change in this organization by myself alone. It'll be easy for me to fall into just facilitating "things the way they've always been", writing agendas, overseeing one quasi-successful fundraising event after another. But this isn't what I wanted to be doing. I'm mr. Structure. I want to be building something that will redefine the organization, not just putting band-aids over a gaping wound. I guess priority one, then, has to be recruiting myself some fresh blood from outside of the organization. Looks like that's going to be the only way to get energy behind my initiatives -- build my own army.
On checking my email this morning, I discover someone's finally written me a testimonial for Friendster. And, boy, is it a good one! Yay, this is a wonderful pick-me-up after last night:
"Sven is my bestfriendloverpartnerSweetie. He is worth it.I know all about him (eight years!) and I still like him. If he loves you and you spit in his hand, he won't open it for, like, a day. He is romantic and creative and silly and sincere and loyal and can really really talk about all the intense awkward hard ugly shit, if that's the sort of thing you're into, which I am. If you ask real nice, maybe you can have some too. "
...I should put this somewhere visible, near my desk, so I can keep soaking in its vitamins for as long as possible. Always write down genuine compliments. They're few and far between, and we forget so easily.
*grins*
Dreamt I was taking the SAT, and the answers had to be written down on crepes -- but I ate mine (yum!) and the test overseer couldn't find me another, even though the clock was ticking...
Dreamt I was in the dirt parking lot of a cajun restaurant with my brother and father; I had to hold the zip-lock bag while dad puts rattlesnakes into it. And these snakes, they're all muscle, pushing themselves up and out of the bag towards my hands. Good thing I'm wearing work gloves -- but even so...
I know where the snake dream came from. Just before going to sleep, it occured to me that the Crisis Line situation feels like walking into a pit of cobras. Not that the other board members or staff are like snakes -- just that sense of coiled danger, treading carefully for fear of being bit. Was also feeling stressed yesterday after a big conversation about maybe trying to make amends in a relationship I screwed up a while back.
Actually, I was feeling really messed up last night. Very irritable, mind boiling with chaos. Sure, there's some stressful things going on -- but I have to wonder if it didn't also partly have to do with all the OJ I drank yesterday. Made a lovely scrambled eggs & tasty bits breakfast for J yesterday -- haven't made her a breakfast since god knows when. And I had maybe three, maybe more, glasses of OJ.
Now, over the past few years I've been noticing that I'm waaay more sensitive to foods than I used to be. Two glasses of orange juice will reliably make me crash. Two Pizza Hut sized glasses of pepsi can make me have a nosebleed (!). But every so often, I give in to temptation; cuz, dammit, how can you have pizza without soda? And how can you eat cheezy yum eggs without OJ?
So, sure enough, I crashed from about 4 to 7 yesterday, napping in the big red comfy chair downstairs. By the time I got up, it didn't feel worth trying to accomplish anything (I hate asking myself to do work after 6, anyway). So I watched a few Angel season 2 episodes. Damn, if Joss Whedon doesn't know how to deliver a plot twist! Druscilla walks back in at the last moment to turn Darla... Doh! The lawyers all get eaten... Guh?! Angel fires his whole staff... Oh My God!!
Also watched "A Mighty Wind" over at J's, which I had been wanting to see, to keep her company while she worked. I guess I'd agree that it's not as good as the other Guest movies, but it has its moments. All the characters are fun watch... It was while watching the movie that I think I really started feeling wrong. I tend to be something of a "Shh! I wanna be absorbed in the movie!" kind of person, but I could feel that my irritations at interuptions were bigger than my actual investment. Perhaps a kind of sugar crash, setting in later in the night, even after I'd been put to sleep hours beforehand? At least I don't think J felt I bit her hand too hard (metaphorically); seemed happier for me having kept company.
So, going to sleep, I was in a black mood. Or, having fun with political correctness, perhaps "white mood" would be a more historically accurate descriptor... ;-) Whatever. I just mean, I was feeling like the Crisis Line is going to be a really bad show. This "making amends" idea will go down badly. In a month Nefarious will disappear when she finds work. The new momentum with J won't last. See, defeatist thoughts, that even in the thick I could recognize must be being influenced by some kind of chemical imbalance. It's interesting, even so, to take note of what issues my brain revolves around when I go down.
Re the Crisis Line, an email came through my in-box yesterday defining what tasks the ED has set for the Development Director. Sheri and Aimee were my co-conspirators in reinventing the Fundraising Committee. Now it's horribly apparent that both are already stretched to their breaking points, leaving me alone to make any changes. I worry that it's not possible to make change in this organization by myself alone. It'll be easy for me to fall into just facilitating "things the way they've always been", writing agendas, overseeing one quasi-successful fundraising event after another. But this isn't what I wanted to be doing. I'm mr. Structure. I want to be building something that will redefine the organization, not just putting band-aids over a gaping wound. I guess priority one, then, has to be recruiting myself some fresh blood from outside of the organization. Looks like that's going to be the only way to get energy behind my initiatives -- build my own army.
On checking my email this morning, I discover someone's finally written me a testimonial for Friendster. And, boy, is it a good one! Yay, this is a wonderful pick-me-up after last night:
"Sven is my bestfriendloverpartnerSweetie. He is worth it.I know all about him (eight years!) and I still like him. If he loves you and you spit in his hand, he won't open it for, like, a day. He is romantic and creative and silly and sincere and loyal and can really really talk about all the intense awkward hard ugly shit, if that's the sort of thing you're into, which I am. If you ask real nice, maybe you can have some too. "
...I should put this somewhere visible, near my desk, so I can keep soaking in its vitamins for as long as possible. Always write down genuine compliments. They're few and far between, and we forget so easily.
*grins*
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