Saturday G & I drove to Sublimity trying to chase down a clear patch of sky to see the lunar eclipse. Probably only got 5 minutes of clear sky during which we saw the cookie monster bite taken out of it.
Friday G & I went to "Process", an art show at 49 SE Clay, where artists had teamed up with documentarians of their process. My favorite was a 7 minute animation of a painting being created, morphing from one idea to the next.
Thursday G & I went to "Matrix Revolutions". Met mph there; didn't get to spend long meeting and connecting, unfortunately. My review: I didn't expect much, and so I was easy to satisfy. There were some pretty bits that were quasi-original. But the movie simply doesn't make sense.
Tonight J & I visited Lane, who treated me to a birthday dinner at Olive Garden. I feared from our phone calls that she was really depressed, but she seemed pretty OK after all in person. She's just recently got "fake legs", braces to keep her ankles from turning in. Good to visit -- we've neglected her for, what?, three months almost? Or maybe just two?
Tomorrow J & I go to Breitenbush for our 8 year anniversary. Damn we're old news! Today (daytime) I put together a small surprise gift for J -- to be revealed here later. I also finally bought groceries. Which is good, cuz Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard was just ridiculously bare.
Things that really need to be done, but never seem to become a priority. Get my brakes fixed. Make copies of Paul Anderson for Shield & for Lane. Replace the kitchen water filter.
Saturday morning, G helped me clear out the back yard. I ripped out lots of blackberry vines. Damn, that stuff is invasive! The new landlord came by and tilled the area. We'll be getting bark dust back there.
Friday night [11/11: I stand corrected: Thursday night] G got heartbreaking news from Seattle; a friend cutting off contact. *Ouch* Led to meaningful conversation about my own desire / ability to ask things of other people (since I wanted her to let me support; double standard?). I'm arriving at the idea that all my lip service about boundaries and non-entitlement is conveying the opposite message of what I want it to. I want to convey that I respect, and thus am worth being close to. But I come off as stand-offish, being so intent on not imposing that people have no opportunity to become entangled in my life.
Had a "moment of clarity"; not intellectually, but rather one of those moments when life just seems a little too real. Noticing how next to Hil's suicide, everything else is small stuff. It's hard to make a fuss about my own needs, when they're dwarfed by just how OK everything really is (by comparison). Sigh. ...If I really need something on that scale, I can look forward to Lane probably dying within the next ten years, and the same for my grandparents. I almost feel like "might as well start planning now..." -- thinking about who I'm going to turn to during that predictable grief.
I think we've gotten up to chapter 4 in "Stardust". The quotable passage of the hour: the star that has fallen from the sky, hitting Earth in an enchanted forest. "Ow! ... (fuck) ... Ow." You're just going to have to imagine that "fuck" is in 6 point font. I like the inflection it conjures in my mind: the quiet voice saying "damn, I'm just screwed now".
When I think about trying to undo the remaining ways in which Hil's death has warped my life... Now ten years later... Well, ... (fuck).
The path of most resistance: to grapple, using a poetic brain, with my wholistic feeling toward life now. I've become such a fan of emotional "complexity" during the past however-many years. G points out that that's not a very youth attitude. Good point. Life is an emergency. The emotional safeties I've put around myself, making things not really matter because they're veiled in a calculus of conflicting interpretations -- ultimately they are a quiet acceptance of death.
...Look at how I patch over the numb spots with my cultivated impression of kindness. Telling myself that it's not what you feel in your heart that matters, but rather that you just do the right thing.
Why the Cracked Cup holds no water
"why are you empty"?
she asked me
"I don't know -- but I seem to be crying"
I said
"and I have this terrible headache."
[poetry fragment]
Friday G & I went to "Process", an art show at 49 SE Clay, where artists had teamed up with documentarians of their process. My favorite was a 7 minute animation of a painting being created, morphing from one idea to the next.
Thursday G & I went to "Matrix Revolutions". Met mph there; didn't get to spend long meeting and connecting, unfortunately. My review: I didn't expect much, and so I was easy to satisfy. There were some pretty bits that were quasi-original. But the movie simply doesn't make sense.
Tonight J & I visited Lane, who treated me to a birthday dinner at Olive Garden. I feared from our phone calls that she was really depressed, but she seemed pretty OK after all in person. She's just recently got "fake legs", braces to keep her ankles from turning in. Good to visit -- we've neglected her for, what?, three months almost? Or maybe just two?
Tomorrow J & I go to Breitenbush for our 8 year anniversary. Damn we're old news! Today (daytime) I put together a small surprise gift for J -- to be revealed here later. I also finally bought groceries. Which is good, cuz Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard was just ridiculously bare.
Things that really need to be done, but never seem to become a priority. Get my brakes fixed. Make copies of Paul Anderson for Shield & for Lane. Replace the kitchen water filter.
Saturday morning, G helped me clear out the back yard. I ripped out lots of blackberry vines. Damn, that stuff is invasive! The new landlord came by and tilled the area. We'll be getting bark dust back there.
Friday night [11/11: I stand corrected: Thursday night] G got heartbreaking news from Seattle; a friend cutting off contact. *Ouch* Led to meaningful conversation about my own desire / ability to ask things of other people (since I wanted her to let me support; double standard?). I'm arriving at the idea that all my lip service about boundaries and non-entitlement is conveying the opposite message of what I want it to. I want to convey that I respect, and thus am worth being close to. But I come off as stand-offish, being so intent on not imposing that people have no opportunity to become entangled in my life.
Had a "moment of clarity"; not intellectually, but rather one of those moments when life just seems a little too real. Noticing how next to Hil's suicide, everything else is small stuff. It's hard to make a fuss about my own needs, when they're dwarfed by just how OK everything really is (by comparison). Sigh. ...If I really need something on that scale, I can look forward to Lane probably dying within the next ten years, and the same for my grandparents. I almost feel like "might as well start planning now..." -- thinking about who I'm going to turn to during that predictable grief.
I think we've gotten up to chapter 4 in "Stardust". The quotable passage of the hour: the star that has fallen from the sky, hitting Earth in an enchanted forest. "Ow! ... (fuck) ... Ow." You're just going to have to imagine that "fuck" is in 6 point font. I like the inflection it conjures in my mind: the quiet voice saying "damn, I'm just screwed now".
When I think about trying to undo the remaining ways in which Hil's death has warped my life... Now ten years later... Well, ... (fuck).
The path of most resistance: to grapple, using a poetic brain, with my wholistic feeling toward life now. I've become such a fan of emotional "complexity" during the past however-many years. G points out that that's not a very youth attitude. Good point. Life is an emergency. The emotional safeties I've put around myself, making things not really matter because they're veiled in a calculus of conflicting interpretations -- ultimately they are a quiet acceptance of death.
...Look at how I patch over the numb spots with my cultivated impression of kindness. Telling myself that it's not what you feel in your heart that matters, but rather that you just do the right thing.
Why the Cracked Cup holds no water
"why are you empty"?
she asked me
"I don't know -- but I seem to be crying"
I said
"and I have this terrible headache."
[poetry fragment]
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