12:58, I should so go to bed. I have a headache. Didn't drink enough water today or yesterday.

Just watched "Memento" for the first time. Obviously a very good film. But, once again, I heard way too much hype before I finally got around to seeing it -- so it's difficult to feel like I've discovered something cool. It's already achieved its own sort of "classic" status; when praise is mandatory, it's difficult to then give it voluntarily.

...Like Moby Dick, y'know? If you could discover this thing for yourself, then maybe you could fall passionately in love with it. But when it's put in front of you with "this is good!" stamped on the cover, a grain of salt is introduced. Hm. Shakespeare's kind of like that, at least at first. But I think Shakespeare can transcend the curse of universal praise, because there's such a large body of work, and so many interpretations, you can make him your own. Maybe the bible's like that too. ...Despite a thing being -too- popular, you can fall in love with it if you can find a niche of your own within.

I've been thinking that maybe what I want to do is focus on writing in my new digital journal, and then just pull passages out of that for the blog. But the thing is, it feels different. Blogging feels conversational. As I type, I can imagine that I'm talking directly to someone. I can turn to it if I feel lonely. Journaling-then-excerpting, on the other hand reinforces aloneness. There's a presumption (on my part) that I'll write a fair amount, then only select a few passages for public consumption. It moves in the direction of secrecy.

Blogging is like love (forgive me!). There's the feeling that you can say anything. It's liberating in that way, in the same way that when you are in the early stages of intimacy with someone, there's a feeling of liberation, that at last all can be revealed. The invisible man discovers spraypaint.

Hey: utterly random interlude. A week or two back I saw a helicopter fly over my neighborhood. It was black with red and orange markings. You'll recall that back when the Butte was on fire, I saw a similar helicopter, and mistakenly thought it was doing an aerial survey for mapping purposes. Well, this time I could make out the number on the side. Channel two, I think. So that's real confirmation that, no, it definitely wasn't mapping.

One fundraising meeting left before the big Crisis Line 30th Birthday Bash. [How did an anti-domestic violence agency wind up calling its event a "bash"? *old-timer voice* Back in my day...] One of the staff folk sent me a reminder today to send a reminder message out. D'oh. Should've done that earlier in the week. Still, at least I got it out.

...I copied the text from the Birthday invite postcard into the message, so folks could pass it on to their friends. Got a reply back already. Someone noticed that the address [which I copied accurately from the postcard] is wrong. It says PSU is in SE rather than SW. Oops.

Have I mentioned that I'm definitely not going to the event? Well I'm not. Go me, for sticking to my guns and not compromising my birthday.

I've decided that I have a new favorite color: charcoal gray. It's been purple for years. Violet. Periwinkle. Purples that lean toward blue so far, that I get confused about whether they're actually blue or purple. But as much as I still gravitate towards those colors, it's grays that are really speaking to me -- what I want to wear, what makes me feel like I'm inhabiting my mood visually.

"I wear gray on the outside, cuz gray is how I feel on the inside." Ugh. No, not like that. The grays I'm thinking of feel cleansing; like how they put charcoal into your stomach to absorb poisons, when your stomach gets pumped. [Feh. Things a person shouldn't know.] Quiet but powerful. Classic, like black -- but without the moral certitude of pure black or white. Gandalf the gray. Gray's my new power color.

Which I bring up because I'm wearing this neat new gray shirt that I got on my shopping trip today. And also cuz, hey, how often does your fave color shift?

Sent out invites for my own birthday party tonight. Well, not invites per se. I'm embarassed that I'm putting a plan together so late in the game, so it was more along the lines of polling folks to see if I could get critical mass. This is also my solution to the "what am I doing for Halloween?" question that's been so blatantly missing on this page. If folks come over to hang for Halloween, then we can say it's also a birthday thang, if they cross that midnightish meridian with me.

"Soylent Green" and "Omega Man" -- been thinking about showing them for quite a while now. Not exactly tailor-made for the birthday. But as a plan, it'll suffice.

OK, I'm going to say it: I'm turning 32. So, what about that? Generally, I'm feeling kinda non-plussed. Which is not how I want to feel. I'm -very- big on birthdays. They're times for making wishes about where to go next, for reflecting on where I've come from, integrating everything into a whole. But this time, well, I just don't know what to do with 32.

Thirty, now there was a big deal. Not like I was freaking out, but it coincided with leaving PBA and moving into the Butte house. Life events helped give it weight, and that sense of transition that I think I wanted to have.

I don't feel like I've accomplished much this year that I can point at. Not to denigrate what I've done... I worked on my YL writing pretty aggressively for the first quarter. Second quarter I worked on learning Lightwave so I could do an HPL film. I gave myself an extra month to work on that, intruding into the third quarter. But when it became apparent that I couldn't get the film done in time for the Lovecraft filmfest deadline, the project got shelved. Then in August I met G. September, October, lovely blurs... Which brings us to where we stand, almost done with the first month of the last quarter. Staring another birthday in the face.

Feh. We're at 1:58 now, an hour spent writing (and well-spent, I'd say). Well, if I get to bed by two-ish, it'll still count as getting back on track.

When 2:22 rolls around, I'll be thinking of you, G.

Well, I got in about 2:45 hr shopping time, all at Fred Meyer. Still lots more to do, but I'm pleased with what I did get: new shoes (laces unfortunately) and a kick-ass shirt. Also picked up various other thangs I needed: Halloween candy, a pie plate, underoos, more file boxes. Tomorrow hopefully I'll do the malls...

Here is my first post from the laptop, typing at the kitchen table downstairs. Unfortunately, we haven't gotten the airport base station to function in conjuction with AOL yet (except for one infuriating, irreproducable instance where it did)... So a phone line dangles from the wall to the table. Still, connectivity at all: whoo!

Went to bed at 5:33am, so I'm damned exhausted. But, I got a poem out of it. So, lifespan well spent. Today's raison d'etre is shopping for new clothes. Despite getting a later start than I'd hoped, I think we're still go.

Still listening to "Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once more, with feeling". OK, this obsessive jukebox is getting a little old now, guys...

NOW.
(A thing I do from time to time, in which I try get oriented.)

Clock says 9:40. Sitting at the work horse upstairs. J's coming over around midnight. So, 2 hrs 20 min left.

Thinking I want to go to bed at midnight; but there's slack, given J's timing. Question: how much? Maybe 12:30? I want to do a candle ritual... What should that look like? Green taper; light & meditate 1 min. Use office timer. Then lights out. Sacrifice whatever else I might have done after that time. [I've been following mood, which has been putting me to bed around 2 lately.]

Why? Defensible explination: I'm making breakfast tomorrow, but I also need to go to the bank... Bank is closed now, opens at 9am, therefore it makes sense to do the necessary grocery shopping in the morning. Less defensible explination: craving getting up early, to get a sense of control over things. ...Among which, is paying this bill that's a five days overdue now. Hm. Need to leave the house at 8:50, therefore set the alarm for maybe 8:30... Or 8, if I wanted to get my shave and shower in before everything else.

Breakfast menu: cheesy egg burrito, with faux sausage chunks, spinach, maybe lime juice. And caramelized apple crepes with real whipped cream. Feeling anxious; J is not easy to feed, and it pushes my buttons feeling like I need to perform to spec in the kitchen, rather than my usual experimental, in-my-own-good-time approach to creating new dishes.

Now: 2 hrs 8 min left. ...Got back from the board meeting at 8:45. Went better than I anticipated. Apparently a group of folks worked hard at the office today and got the Birthday invitations all mailed out. That success probably dissolved whatever festerment was going to drop on my head otherwise. Have a fundraising meeting next Monday, which will take some thinking ahead. Meeting with Aimee at 4:30, to start thinking about what we're going to do after the Birthday event is over. [Then the next day, I'm meeting with Aaron at *gasp* 7:30 in the morning for a "getting to know you" coffee.]

I put in 2 hrs 15 min today on Crisis Line prep, and about 1 hr 15 min on mail / bill work which indirectly contributed to the Crisis Line. Finally passed the donations that I collected from J & from Aimee on to Sheri. Also made a sizable donation myself. Actually, the largest single donation I've ever made, truth be told. ...Must remember to send a message to my mother, making arrangements about next month's finances. Hm. Think I'll open up a new email and do that right now. *please hold*

OK, done with that, and additionally checked how my overall finances looking. Pretty good; nowhere near what once they were -- but quite a bit better than last year this time, when the bursting tech bubble was bottoming out. Now, 1 hr 33 min left.

I think the #1 thing I want to get fixed at this moment is the iTunes problem. No way to know how long that will take. Might as well plan on it taking the rest of my time before seeing J.

Which takes care of what I'm doing tonight; but I still don't have anything like what I'd call a "plan" for tomorrow after my comfy chair chat date with J.

BRAINSTORM.
Still desperately need to go clothes shopping. That I envision as an all-day thing, so it might work well for this weekend -- gl. will be out of town. Unclear if she's skedaddling on Friday or Saturday.

Things have been so chaotic lately, it might make sense to pay bills early, to avoid missing deadlines. Don't have November money yet, but I could juggle things to pay everything but rent tomorrow. That would mean adjusting my errand to the bank. Might also want to get up a bit earlier, so I could do some math around that.

Random side-note: Interesting dream last night... I was in an advanced physics class at a college, first day of classes. There were lots of equations on the board, and I was very intently trying to copy them down into my note-pad. Trouble was my eyesight was being problematic. Couldn't decide if one of the equations had a lamda or the letter "L" in it. The prof was fascinating, very Richard Feynman in his enthusiasm. At the end of class, I decided I needed to talk to him about my eyesight -- I was excited about the class, and didn't want to get behind. He was kind and understanding, but also pointed out to me that most people don't get an erection from math. (!)

On another wild tangent: Finally figured out something that was driving me nuts. On the third episode of this season of Angel, there's a scientist who in the final scene gets bit by a werewolf. His speech was very distinctive, but I couldn't place it. A-ha! Dr. Flox, from Enterprise. OK, back to brainstorming.

Or, actually, seeing that it's now 10:44, I think instead I should pop off-line and read from "A Night in the Lonesome October". Perhaps more later. ...Time well-spent, or so it feels.

Oh, now here's a quiz I was just bouncing to take...


You are the Second Doctor: Affable, impish, and
fond of simple pleasures as well as simple
pranks. Your mischievous exterior camouflages a
powerful mind and a great deal of courage.
Although you care nothing for appearances, you
place a high value on the bonds of true and
lasting friendship.


Which Incarnation of the Doctor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Rumor has it that unhappiness is headed my way. Apparently the ED is upset about a snafu with the Birthday invites...

"Heads up as she was apparently going to e-mail probably Aimiee and Svenn and Andrea as she want a "full report" sometime next week on how this was allowed to happen."

Find myself half-wishing to just jump ship now, devote myself to being an artist. The board of directors meeting is tomorrow. Are there going to be any board meetings that aren't unpleasant?

Quasi-dreading tomorrow; so I'll look back and bask in the glow of this pleasant weekend. Went with gl. on the Portland Open Studios tour. Drove about looking at different artists studios, open to the public (for the price of the map showing whose houses to go to).

The artwork I find myself thinking about most: "tunnel books". These are books that look like an accordian with a hole cut through the center, or a proscenium stage. Have an idea to do one involving the moon and photocopies on overhead transparencies; another to make use of childhood photographs, each slat in the accordian being a period of my life. ...Unrelated, another fine idea: to create a book of poetry where all the words are fully reversed -- the entire thing must be read using a mirror.

Was fudging around with the workhorse computer a few days ago, trying to transfer last year's Lovecraft movie to the external hard drive. Managed to mess things up somehow so that iTunes won't open now. How will I survive?

I was called "bashful and bouncy" this weekend. Hee!