G and I are thinking about moving in together.

The practical shift to G being over as default, in my mind, happened two weeks ago. The big conversation about "What's it going to take to make this decision?" happened the weekend before yesterday. A few bumps this week, my being someone who's never seriously lived with a girlfriend or boyfriend before. Predictable. Settling into the idea now... Imagining what it will feel like to look backwards upon having lived together for a few months, past-tense.

That's been the big thing chewing up my mindspace for quite a while now. I love G. I think I would change the direction of my life for her. For us. I am (am I?) a better person when I'm with her. She reminds me: Life.

Oh... Yeah.

For me, part of the shift is going to be modifying my self-worth. It's been about "What do I need to get done?" If I were my own boss, I'd be sued for cruel labor practices. [Not that I, as my employee, have complained. Dutiful.]

Where this paradigm has been revealed as untenable is in who I become. I system-crash, feeling bad for not having been productive enough, and in my shame want to be alone. Pushing away G?? No!

Instead, I'm exploring a paradigm of joy. If I strive to give myself everything I want -- which includes G (big time) -- a thousand little luxuries, then I have the well of passion that will fuel getting through the drudgeries. Counter-intuitive in this work ethic driven nation, but if I treat myself like a king / queen, I think I can count on myself to do all the hard stuff too.

Joy.